Unique Leader Records (2021)

“Gloire Éternelle”?

NO MA’MM!

I’d rather listen to Gloria Estefan,

because the rhythm totally did not get these dudes,

since all they do is noodle around at the speed of light in major key signatures—which are about as compatible with harsh vocals and blastbeats as Microsoft Excel is with a Linux OS—while using some of the worst instrument tones I’ve heard outside of the Resident Evil 1 Director’s Cut DualShock Edition, and that game was scored by a musically illiterate conartist, who publicly claimed he was legally deaf so he could socially market himself as the Japanese Beethoven.

Basically, this is just DragonFarce, Necrophagizz, and Atheist all jacking off into the same sticky test tube, sealing it up tighter than an N95 mask, then airmailing it FedExpedited to an Instagram-famous Caribbean surrogate, who doesn’t have enough self-awareness to realize that she and her eventual baby will rank higher than Mark Suckerturd on the awetism spectrum.

Cross-genre breeding experiments that attempt to take in this many different samples from such a diverse list of sperm donors just have a naturally high-fatality and low-survivability rate.

Musical monogamy has always been more my thing, anyway; I’m not really into three-ways or outright orgies. If I want to listen to neoclassical metal, I’ll go load up some vintage Yngwie or Symphony X songs from before they started sucking; ditto for jazz and death metal, though I don’t really have a go-to band in either of those genres, because their gene pool has way more alpha males to pick from than the frilly shirt-and-powdered-wig-wearing neoclassical movement does. Actual classical musicians like Domenico Scarlatti and Niccolo Paganini were more metal than most of today’s social media-spamming NCM shred-heads.

I honestly don’t think it’s possible to mix all three of those genres (classical, jazz, & death metal) together at once and not end up sounding like runny Simian spooge, because they’re so rhythmically, melodically, harmonically, and thematically opposed to each other. It’d be like a Jewish father and Muslim mother trying to adopt an orphaned Proud Boy: that mix of cross-cultures just won’t work, ever.

Grade: D-