Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn Review

Square Enix (2013)

Adventuring in Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn is about as exciting as a trip to the local grocery store.

Scratch that; on second thought, supermarkets at least offer free food samples, MILFs wearing sweaty yoga pants, and smiling, 16-year-old store clerks.

Advantage, Albertsons.

I’d rather examine nutrition labels and product price tags than pore over equipment attributes or calculate magic spells’ damage per second.

I’d rather stare at a butcher slicing fresh meat than watch my character repeating the same attack animation 100 times in a 10-minute boss fight.

I’d rather read sale papers and celebrity gossip headlines than drudge through another “good versus evil,” “light versus darkness” fantasy storyline.

I’d rather battle for parking lot spaces and checkout line priority than be told to go slay a dozen Dickwolves or fill seven containers with Cuntworms.

Blizzard Entertainment’s World of Warcraft popularized the massively multiplayer online role-playing genre in 2004. In the decade of me-too game development that has followed, few MMORPGs have made any meaningful improvements to WoW’s flawed — and nowadays — unappealing formula.

If spending 150 hours dangling dog treats just beyond the reach of your pet’s snout qualifies as “animal cruelty,” then how does doing the same thing to a human being qualify as “entertainment”?

Grade: C-

Platforms: PC, PlayStation 4, PlayStation 3